Vacations and Sibling Rivalry

The most baffling things my parents ever came up with to take revenge on us for whatever we could have done to annoy them, was the yearly vacation by a four-wheeler. My father loved hauling us in the car once every year at the crack of dawn. He believes in maintaining a strict timetable during vacations.

There were a few things I decided I would do when I become a parent – have no more than two kids to avoid the biggest conflict amongst siblings – WHO GETS THE WINDOW SEAT.
Being the eldest one, I was always expected to sit between my younger sister and brother. As soon as the car started, they would start their - kick-kick, box-box game with all the kicking and boxing aimed at each other (not me) but it would sadly land on me!

Each sibling has his or her antagonistic agenda for the trip and they ensure that they pursue it relentlessly. The agenda on top being hurling, jostling of bodies to get the window seat. Which mostly leads to the precious game of kick-kick, box-box. This is played generally by the losers who do not get their intended priced item – the window seat.

The father would yell and start the game of making the inmates feel guilty –
The grades on the report card being their most favorite. The sermons once started would assuredly go on till mum runs out of all the rotten things the kids did since the time they were born!
Each trip would begin with a cry of –
“Mummmyyyy!!! I want the corner seat” (that would seal my fate for the rest of the trip!!)
Sister – “Mum ask him to stop moving!”
Mum to me- “Is he moving?”
Me –“He is BREATHING! Should I make him stop?”
Brother to my sister- “You ate the chocolate I saved for today! Don’t you dare deny I saw you!”
Tries to box her ear, but it lands on me since the car is moving!!
Sister –“ I did! Because you got a micron of the chocolate pastry last night!”
Tries to kick, sadly lands on me again!
And so continues the roughhousing, name-calling and eye-gouging.
The Driver of the car generally has a bladder of the size of basket balls and decides to stop once after every 500kms!

The kids would then discuss in length about the writings on the wall of the washrooms they last visited. From the last excursion, I remember the discussion extended up to two states and one of the kids admitted to have made a note of all the phone numbers mentioned, with the intention of calling on those numbers at the next pit stop.

Father would always feed us on promises of the lovely restaurant that lays 200 km away. With stomachs full of dust and water we would finally reach the promised restaurant only to realize that all that exists there is an old abandoned petrol pump with an anorexic dog and lots and lots of debris.

Mum- “So where is the restaurant you told us about”
Father – “Well it was here the last time, I particularly remember the dog, only it was healthier”
Mum – “The last time was in 1986!”
As far as I remember, our parents tried everything from singing to board games but eventually we would get bored and start our favorite game – kick-kick, box-box or any other unorganized madness we could think of.

The vacations stopped after our parents finally realized that it is dangerous to pack five people in a car with nothing to do but tolerate each other. I now miss the peace of no routines, no phones, no regularity but what I miss the most today is the togetherness.

Crystal clear world

I realised I need glasses when I banged into the flag pole at the school fête thinking it was the cute looking boy I had a crush on and asked him out. It was more substantiated when I couldn’t tell if the traffic light was a red or a green and my pink lady bird bi-cycle (my sister’s actually… the pretty sleek ones with a cute basket in the front) was smashed by a lady driving a Luna!

My mother forcibly took me to an optometrist, saying I would look prettier with the glasses on… “Hello Doctor” I said extending my hand to a mannequin (I thought the doctor was standing outside to welcome new patients!)

After the initial chin wagging he took me inside and asked me to read from the chart which was hung around 10 feet away from the wiggly-legged stool where I had perched my derrière.

Doctor – “Young lady! I want you to read this... start from the top most line”

Me – “How to lose weight in a month”

Doctor – “No no below that”

Me – “Measles Collision!”

Doctor – “Nooooooooo… you dotty kid”

Me – (a little offended.. with a pout) “Tyrant of the Potatoes”

Doctor – stupefied and slightly frustrated “Come come my dear… stop kidding around… you only need to read what’s written on the CHART!”

Me – appalled told mum the doctor is not taking me seriously!

Next minute he seated me in a big-unwobbly-leather chair, placed an instrument in front of my eyes, perched a wiry-wobbly-lens holder and asked me to look straight into the instrument, he looked into the instrument, our eyes met midway…

Doctor – “Do you get headaches very often?”

Me – “No… not really.. you see doctor”

A peaky voice behind me – “Oh yes! All the time!”

Me – “Excuse me! I believe I came before you… and I’m trying to have a conversation here with the doctor, so do you mind?”

Doctor – “That’s your mother.”

Me – slightly mortified

Doctor – “Don’t worry child, everything will be alright. I’ll give you a nice pair of glasses and the whole world would be crystal clear to you”

Two days later I get a thick pair of lenses resting on a thick black-70’s style frame. (The doctor’s idea of what’s latest and in fashion.. Ha!)

And he was so right the world was crystal clear to me again!

The boy I thought was cute and had a crush on had a bald patch and was the school janitor. I had clearly not passed with “flying colours” in chemistry; in fact the only colour I saw on the report card was RED. I was clearly fatter than I’d thought and didn’t weigh 35kg. My skin was not as clear as the sun in the summer sky; in fact it was as cracked as skimmed milk.

I liked it more when my world was not crystal clear.

Myth: You can plan to have a peaceful day and have it.

I used to believe taking a day off from work in the middle of the week would be a blessing; a day where I do not feel like working, where I have nothing to do and all day to do it, where I can put my feet up and relax and engross self with a book. Or just sleep, daylong, all day long!

Mind you I’m not talking about the weekends here; or the national/bank holidays where there is the forever pestering better one by two announcing the state of his forever peculiarly large belly every half an hour and saying – “Hmm… I’m strangely very hungry… suddenly! Aren’t you!?” to which I’d always want to bring myself up to and say – “No Honey! We just had our breakfast/brunch/lunch/snack/dinner like 10 minutes ago AND unlike you! I do not have a wolf in my belly” or “Would you like to have to tea?” (I always fall for this one!) To which I’d merrily answer “Ooooh I’d love to!” to which he’d cleverly say “why don’t you go make some for both of us then!” (Such a Prick I tell you!)

He’d then open the fridge and stand in front of it till you can see a thin layer of frost forming on his nose and grandly announce – “There’s nothing to eat”

Anyway, so this time when I made up the forever successful excuse of killing poor old granny again (god rest her soul) and decided to stay back. Little did I know I would discover so much about my neighbours, their kids, the fancy, noisy appliances they own –

Previous day – Ask the maid to NOT come early (7.00 in the morning to which of course she denies) give her also a day off (to which she could never deny)

The D day –

5.45 a.m. – better one by two’s alarm goes off. He has to get up at 6.15 but he likes to set it up at half an hour early and it snoozes every 15 minutes and he’d smack it shut and yell “Aa-haa! I still have half an hour to sleep… 15 minutes to sleep” and goes back to sleep

6.30 a.m. – better one by two acknowledges his bathroom-singing-skills

6.32 a.m. – yells – “There’s no towel here! Could you please get me my towel…? I’m getting late!”

Please try to remember all this while – I’m on my day-off and have promised myself I’ll sleep! All day long!

7.05 a.m. – leaves finally!

7.07 a.m. – Calls me! “My cab driver left me and went off… I’m taking a bus”!

Again – I promised myself I’ll sleep daylong!

8.00 a.m. – the 4 year old child next door is in disagreement with his mother about the bathing arrangements. He is very vocal and articulate about it in his getting-louder-by-minute shrieks and cries. Mommy dear is equally stubborn and would not give in; instead shrieks louder to ask him to listen to her! (All I could make out of all the heated conversation along with the piercing noise was – mommy will smack! She will smack!)

8.15 a.m. – Peace! All of a sudden!

8.17 a.m. – doorbell rings (the full tune of “chalti hai kya nau se baara” plays) Drag self from bed to find the doorman has decided upon this day out of all the days to clean the car.

8.20 a.m. - all sorts of mixers, grinders blasting off all over… all of a sudden, feels like I’m in the middle of a battlefield involving all kinds of milling machinery of the modern day!

9.00 a.m. – better one by two calls on cell to see what I’m upto!

9.05-10.30-11.00 – street hawkers selling every kind of vegetable possible, in all kinds of tunes, yelling at all possible decibel levels; each stopping for at least 5 minutes under the apartment building trying to lure customers into buying whatever it is that they are selling. I could also make out a few feminine voices haggling over the price of whatever it was that they were trying to buy.

All this while I tried to remind myself this was supposed to be the day I was going to sleep!

11.05 a.m. – the landline phone rings! Considerate customer care people calling to check if we have any complains with our connection

11.15 a.m. - better one by two wants to know some code on some device he wants me to look for!

That was it!

The whole world has been conspiring against me.

Get dressed, reach office and realise it’s way too calmer here and I can always sleep with my eyes open… staring intently at the computer screen.

Bills - Buried Forever

Every time you see a woman looking frantic and pre-occupied, who jumps even at a small tap on her shoulder… you know that she’s received her credit card bill that morning! And that her jumpiness is the aftereffect of the scary event that occurred that morning -- that yellow/white envelope staring at her from within the other silly looking/not so important envelopes with the word “URGENT” written in bright red next to her name… And now she’s probably working at a plot to hide it from her husband/parents and wondering if her salary for that month would be enough to pay off the bill or which ex-boyfriend/friend who had a crush on her she could sweet-talk into paying off the bill.

Every time I go through my credit card bill; I trick myself into believing that the bank is cheating me! And that I could never have spent so much money on shoes, visits to salons, (err…umm.. how many times did I get my haircut this month!?), clothes! I clearly remember I haven’t spent a dime on clothes this month.

2000/- for shoes! Oh well… those were such beautiful red pumps. Glossy and shiny… simply couldn’t resist…

2300/- pair of jeans… Levis is expensive...

3500/- in a spa! A SPA! hmmmph….

1500/- snakeskin purse – it is so adorable and elegant and shiny and it matches with the new red shoes!!!

1479/- stationery – the cute little butterfly pins, the diaries with dates… ofcourse they’re essential stationary is always useful… and its even better when all the pens, pencils, pins match… could take a new colour coded one to work.. that is always an investment

$$$$$$/*- on six silk sarees… although one by two suggested I don’t wear sarees, but he doesn’t understand silk sarees is always an investment. Plus I was getting one free with two sarees… I could pass those on to my children!

$$$$$/- for the beautiful aquamarine bracelet, it was a snip! The sales person said its studded in real silver… silver is so expensive! Hmmmp… the texture has become scaly lately, like the polish has come off.. hmmmph!

$$$$$/- (gasp) for! FOR!!

Hang on a sec! this cannot be… I did not go to the Marks n Spencer’s! I don’t have anything from Marks and Spencer’s…

I’m going to call the bank right now! This is appalling… these people trick us into believing we are not thrifty! I would finally be able to convince one by two I’m thrifty because I carefully go through my statements.. Ahahaha!

Now wait a second…. I do remember going to marks and spencer’s… we bought a shirt for a colleague… for his birthday! And everyone paid me cash… I decided to keep the cash and use the card instead… cash is always so handy…. Oh My God! Where did I spend so much cash!?

$$$$$/- Bath and body works – Oh yes! I remember this one… they had the most beautifully smelling soaps. I picked up 15! It was a bargain… although the smell gives me a headache… but then soaps are always useful… you can tell a lot about a person from the kind of soap he/she uses. Plus they make such good decorative pieces in the bathroom.

I thought I will have a lot of explaining of to do this time. Oh god! The statement needs to disappear… how can I make it disappear!?

1- Hide it under the mattress? But one by two found it last time, it fell off

2- Throw it away in the garbage? Hmmm, he might find it there also

3- Aha! Just the right thing to do! I’ll drop it at the construction site near office. It’ll be buried under cement forever! And I can always claim that we never received it!

Dropping the statement actually helped! By then I’d paid off the bills! But then I couldn’t stop myself from splurging a little again. So it was the same story again! Sometimes I cannot help it... the smell of new leather, new clothes, the lights in the shops, the thrill and excitement of acquiring beautiful, shiny new artifacts! And I’m back to the shops…

*too exorbitant to be disclosed

Clean Freak

Obsession with cleanliness is hereditary and it advances as you grow older.

Caught this “ailment” from different people-- All strangely from mum’s side of the family.

People have one or the other form of the “cleanliness syndrome”. I have ALL… & the result of which is I see dust/dirt everywhere.

1. Dust-free home: From an Aunt who gets up EVERYDAY at 5.00 in the morning to clean the house. (She doesn’t even give time for the poor thing – (dust) to settle down).

Every Saturday Morning:

7.00 a.m. Open door for the maid… (in a sleepy state of mind)

Back on the bed: Did I just see a thin layer of dust on the table? Will clean it up later… need sleep…

7.03 a.m. But how!? Remember cleaning the whole house on Thursday

7.05 a.m. Oh what the hell! Will clean it up now….

Clean the whole house again… whole process takes two hours!

Try getting back to bed… Spot a tiny (negligible to one-by-two) stain on the washbasin… clean the bathrooms, wash basins, put clothes for washing, clean the windows, doors, imaginary cobwebs….

Phew! I’m tired… must get back to sleep….

Oh no! Now the floor looks dirty!… clean the floor, the balcony, change the bed-covers— put them too for a wash…

Saturday -- Over!

2. Cleaning feet: From mum.

An exceptionally rare class of people belong to this category, people who cannot go about with dirty feet!

And strangely, the other un-rare doesn’t understand the importance of the process of cleaning feet.

I clean my feet almost ALL day… something that the other class would not understand

The cleaning cycle begins in the morning:

Reach office: (By car) Feet seem dusty… must clean… rush to the loo… wash feet... scrub… wipe… apply sunscreen+ moisturizer. (At peace now)

Get back from lunch: The feet seem dirty again! Rush to loo again and repeat the cycle…

In the night before sleeping (Or would keep thinking about dirty feet… and won’t get sleep): repeat the whole cycle (except sunscreen of course…)

3. Cleaning all that you can lay your eyes on: From Sis (she might look cool and all that but she’s extremely particular when it comes to cleaning ANYTHING. ANYWHERE.)

First day of work:

Cleaned the table with a tissue.

Cleaned the keyboard, monitor, desk phone, mouse, cubicle-mate’s keyboard, monitor etc.

Abnormally, I cannot keep my cupboard clean, nobody in the family seems to be the “cupboard clean freak” and so I could not inherit this particular trait from anyone.

Annnnd after all this, my sis and my mum believe I’m lazy when it comes to cleanliness. I agree I may not be very particular about cleaning teeth (and hence six root canals -- from dad’s side of the family as they say), cupboards, hair (washing hair --should be voted the most boring activity… ever!). The rest ofcourse is sacred to me. One by two may think I’m a “freak” as he calls me when I go about on the cleaning spree grumbling and mumbling…

Oh Well...him and the rest of the not-belonging-to-the-exceptionally-rare-class would never understand the “peace” one gets from “Cleaning”. Still in the process of explaining the virtue of cleanliness to the ever so I-don’t-care-if-my-feet-are-clean-or-not and would dirty the bed cover-- one by two... he will understand someday (hopefully)

Vacations "Bug" Me!

Since the very beginning of my time on earth I haven’t been a great fan of “bugs”. And it so happens that they’re strangely attracted to (a sweet blooded person says mum) me.

The strange part is people near and dear (especially one by two) doesn’t understand that some people are allergic to creepy crawly things and should consider if allergic people scream if they’re attacked by – leeches (sticking on to your legs!!), cockroaches, spiders, ants mosquitoes!

If the news spreads, I’ll have a tough time fighting Vampires off soon.

And these creepy crawly “gifts of nature” to mankind always think of attacking… especially when I’m out on a trip with one by two.

Very first trip with one by two: Ooty (some garden with greenery and not to mention loads of bugs in the grass)

One by two: “love the lovely grass… its so green… and nice… why don’t you sit here.. next to me.. on the grass”

Me: “Err… I don’t know…” should try this once… first impressions last long...

Try and sit on the prickly grass….

5 seconds later

The grass is quite prickly (one by two happily chatting away… trying to concentrate)

10 seconds later

V strange… how can I spot a lot of could-not-be-identified-things crawling all over… (one by two… oblivious to my plight.. finding the whole thing “romantic” suggests lying down on the prickly grass)

15 seconds later: That’s it! Cannot pretend to find creepy bugs crawling all over self romantic!

One by two gets upset… and decides to not talk AT ALL.

Second trip: Gokarna (lovely beach with lots crabs of all sizes)

One by two: plunging into water... of course expecting me to do the same… -- “the water is soooo nice… why don’t you jump in!!”

Me: “Oooh I dunno…” decide to give it a try anyway…

Walking towards the beach…

Wait a second… what’s that weird looking black-brown thing crawling sideways!?

Omg! It’s a crab! Omg! They’re all over the place…

No way in hell I’m going near the crabs…

Decide to not get into the water…

One by two as usual does not understand my plight and gets upset! Again!!

Wakes me up at 5 in the morning to watch the sunrise!!

In the cold… park self on a rock… one by two holding me close… oh no I can feel something crawling up my leg… can’t move… don’t want to upset one by two again…

15 minutes later:

When is the bloody sun going to be up…Omg! Can feel a lot of things crawling up legs!

30 minutes later:

That’s it.. I’ve had it... cannot let things crawl up my legs anymore… tell one by two.. don’t find things crawling up legs romantic! AT ALL

One by two gets upset again!!

Third trip: Tough Trek in some random jungle on the western coast.

Ooh yes I love climbing.. will show one by two this time I’m not a sissy! (as he claims I am) Totally dislike being called sissy…

20 minutes in the jungle – I’m a nature’s child… will not create a “fuss” this time around…

25 minutes later: wooah there’s a stream running in the middle of the jungle… oh have to cross this huge log! Hmmm… wonder what these people are scared of!

2 seconds later: Omg! Have bugs sticking on to my pants… !

A second later: Did someone just mention leeches! Omg! Omg have leeches stuck to self… omg… someone do something…

5 minutes later: Leeches sticking on to peoples leg… should see if there’s one stuck to mine…

A second later: Scream at the top of voice! “there’s a leech stuck to my foot! Somebody help meeeeeeee”

No amount of crying, jumping around gets rid of the damn thing from my foot…

Finally one by two comes to rescue… squishes that scary creepy thing!

People giving weird looks! Accusing ME of scaring away the animals…!! one by two laughing away with friends!

Not enjoying this damn jungle anymore… too traumatized…somebody get me out of here!

This time one by two did not enjoy it either (tee hee hee) did not enjoy climbing up and down the dreary jungle fun! Still puts on a brave face and is determined to not show people that he’s tired/scared/wants to get back ASAP.

We haven’t been able to decide on a place to go yet… a nice place with no bugs around to traumatize me! And nice clean toilets (v important) and no creepy, crawly bugs trying to ruin the "Romantic" chit-chats (would hopefully be able to concentrate and not look around for bugs)

Weight obsession

As the clock hit 12 on the night of the most important day of the year (my birthday) for my near and dear ones… and especially for poor one by two…(Usually set a reminder his cell phone marking that day as the “most important day of the year” so that he doesn’t miss it. Not that he would risk doing it!)

Anyway that’s not what this post is about. It’s about being on diet! To lose weight!

So… when the clock hit 12… a thought struck in my head – that I’ve been on a diet constantly for 10 years now! And still haven’t reached my ideal weight! (I’m not sure of the ideal figure yet).

10 years ago---

21^st November 2001:

Couldn’t sleep whole night… of course today is the D-DAY… will get to wear “color dress” rather than the boring blue tunic! So glad… yippeeee…

The school decides to have yearly health check up on that day! Why on my Birthday!! WHY take away the glory...

Machine reads – 62kgs! Class teacher… thin as a stick insect... smirks and says –“Oh My! I didn’t realize you were that “healthy””

Crushes self-esteem completely... Vow to self to “lose weight” thus triggering the never ending and never attainable quest!

And Now:

Early morning: Gym – Damn! the weighing machine – Omg! I’ve put on 400grams (shocked)… How? In just one night! Not possible… the machine is wrong…

10 minutes later: on the treadmill (huffing.. puffing) – wondering to self – hmm what did I eat yesterday.. the machine is definitely wrong. Should count yesterday’s calorie intake

Half an hour later: still on the treadmill: It can’t be wrong… was working fine till yesterday!

Instructor comes and pokes –“you know you’ve been running for 40 minutes now…”

Darn! I was so busy counting calories… Omg! Did I really eat that whole chocolate… is that why I’ve put on those extra 400 gms? How could I have bloated over night…

An hour later: Ask my one by two – “Am I looking fat?”

One by two (like always): “you always look beautiful to me…”

Trying to be cool and calm and not hit him on head: “I’m not saying that! I’m asking you if I’m looking fatter to you since morning…?”

One by two: “Errr.. umm… I don’t know!”

Frustrated to the core.. (Wondering if I married a retard): “You just cannot say a YES or a NO… can you?”

One by two (wondering if he’s married a retard): “No! you look just the same.”

Will definitely hit him on head someday!

One and a half hour later: Driving – maybe should skip breakfast today… shouldn’t have had that extra spoon of horlicks with milk! Absolutely no control over self… no wonder I’m putting on weight!

Hear honking from behind…. Jeeez! I didn’t realize it was a green okay!!… Yell “Fine! I’m moving… not like you have a meeting with the president of United States”…..

People don’t even let you think and ponder over important issues in life.

Lunch time: Glad could get away… will have a fruit salad… No more fatty foods… need to loose 600gms… Should keep a buffer of 200 always!

Forum: Oh shit! This machine is definitely not working.. reads 2kgs extra… oh god why did I come here?

Should’ve just had that fruit salad… skipped dinner and should’ve checked tomorrow!

Evening at 4: Ooooh! tea time… will quickly step out and check weight at the juice shop…

Hurraaahh..!! reads a kg less! Yeaahh..!! Oh no wait... didn’t count the weight of the choora I had on…

Hmm... have never weighed it actually …..oh well.. should be 200gms…

Yeeaahh! I’ve finally lost so much in a day!

Night: Maybe should re-confirm weight again

(At Shanti Sagar) make one by two stand first to see if the machine reads correctly…

Oh it does…

Oh no! I haven’t lost a bit! Oh no… all this trouble for nothing… I’m fat!

Oh god….

Couldn’t sleep whole night! Wondering how to lose the extra 400gms…

And thus it continues… the quest to lose the extra few grams and kg… if only that stick insect of a woman hadn’t smirked… I wouldn’t have been on a diet since 10 years and counting.. would’ve gloatingly enjoyed White Bread with butter!! and Peanut butter!!! and ghee!!!! and makkhan on parathas..!! (over even parathas for that matter!!!)… if only….